Thursday, July 2, 2009

Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts

Only about 15% are really funny, but those are REALLY FUNNY. I had to put the book down because I was laughing so hard I thought I was breaking my ribs. Ridiculous. So I had to share.

"If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy."

"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other."

"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."

"Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up."

"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad."

"Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk."

"I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man the best. We called him Uncle Cave Man because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat one of us. Later on we found out he was a bear."

"Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer."

"One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. 'Oh, no,' I said, 'Disneyland burned down.' He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late."

"If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised."

"Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man."