Sunday, March 27, 2011

Dear Wal-mart,

I love you, usually. I regularly defend your honor against crazy economically illiterate Berkeleyans who don't realize that you've done more for the American poor and lower-middle class than any liberal government initiative. I love that you've used your market power for good in many ways, and I have full faith that you'll soon get over your stubbornness with regard to endangered fish as well.

With every subpar stop at Safeway or Target or any shopping need past 10pm, I bitterly mourn the fact that the nearest 24-hour Supercenter is an hour away in Napa. You were an integral part of my childhood, as the teenage hangout in small-town Oklahoma, the truly one-stop shopping center for everyone (regardless of class), and after many weekend field trips from OSSM to your blessedly off-campus utopia, your reliably cheerful blue billboards even became a true symbol of freedom [so long as we were back at the van in exactly 55 minutes.]

But for someone who has turned the business of giving consumers exactly what they want at prices that can't be beat into an exact science, you have an astonishing misconception compromising your women's clothes department: not everyone who likes to shop with you is either a skanky teenager or an overweight adult.

All of your women's shorts are too big on me, and all of your junior's sized shorts barely cover my crotch. Seriously. And I am perfectly averagely sized, except being a little on the tall side, but that doesn't matter with shorts.

I understand that your target demographic tends to be a little bit heavier than average, since nowadays poverty is perversely correlated with obesity, so fine, stock a disproportionate number of size 13's. But really, if you are serious about working your way into skinny-obsessed New York City, you could do better than to completely ignore their clothing needs.

Please rectify this situation so that I may sing your praises without caveat!



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